I am a Liar...

That's about it. I have said lie after lie after lie just to save my own skin. I didn't care about anyone else's feelings or how they might be affected by my poor decisions. I just did what I had to do to keep myself out of the fire. And I did it. But lies tend to catch up with you and when that happens it really starts to suck. You start realizing a lot more about yourself than you really desire to and then all of the sudden you find yourself crying in you truck on the side of the road and begging for help but feeling so unworthy of it. You desire forgiveness but don't think that you will get it so you try to put the thought of your head. It's nothing but a dream to you now. Sadly and regrettably enough that's the experience that I'm going through now. I didn't just come up with that truck analogy ha. It kinda happened. I outdo myself sometimes. I can go above and beyojnd to help someone and show them how much I truly care, but in the same hour, lie to them so that I won't get into any kind of confrontation with them. I blame it on not wanting to be judged for who I am or what I've done but in reality I know better than that. I know that the little family that I have wouldn't judge me. They already know a lot about me, but I feel so unworthy of their friendship. How many more lies will it take for me to ruin another friendship? Why can't I just stop?! I didn't think that it would be so hard. I'm afraid of accountability because I don't want them to get upset with me. I would be confessing to many things to them and I don't want them to get hurt. They obviously weren't in my mind when I started the lying process. It was all about me. Sometimes I would honestly lie to help another person, but it was still for myself at the same time. I'm sorry. I'm coming clean. In MCA a few months back we did this thing called confession and what we had to do was spend 30 minutes every day for a week we had to right down every single thing that we had done wrong that day and why we did it. We needed to find the root of our sin. For me, most of my sin came from pride and selfishness. It's still true. I am a master at lying for my own benefit and I don't allow the gigantic pride wall in my heart to shrink, but grow in some areas. No more. I realize that a lot of the things that I'm about to do could have been done in Master's and it would have been a lot easier, but that's probably the reason why I need to do them now instead. I need a challenge. Having 30 other people around me cheering me on and holding me accountable to all these things would be great, but I need to start doing these things for myself. It's dumb for me to depend on them when God is telling me loud and clear to depend on Him. His love. His grace. I thought I had it all figured out, but I don't. It's time for a change. I've made some decisions. #1, I'm going back into covenant for 5 months. July 25 to December 25. If it needs to be longer than that then I'll extend it, but for now that's what it is. #2, I'm going to AC. I"m scared to death. I'm not sure what it will be like and I'm so scared of failing, but God made it clear to me that it's what my next step should be so I'll be registering in January. #3, I need to start making a new list of confessions. Starting today. I won't neccessarily spend 30 minutes on them, but to make a habit of trying to figure out why I do certain things is really good for me. #4, I'm going to send a message to someone that I let down recently. They have no idea that I'm going to do that, but they deserve it. They have put so much into my life and they deserve to see that it wasn't all in vain. I know that they still care, I'm just so afraid that they will give up on me and I don't see them much now, but they are still high on my respected list. I am so grateful to them for everything they have taught me and done for me. So...that's it. Ha...thanks. :D