Never!

Only promises. Empty ones. I'm pretty sure that I deserve a little bit more than that! I don't need to go on thinking that I'm worth something to this person if I'm actually not. They have proven it over and over again that I mean nothing to them through their actions and phone calls, or lack there of. They say they miss me but no, it's a lie and even though I'm a liar, I don't do it to hurt other people. This person, it seems like that's all they desire to do. I want so badly to tell them that their actions actually matter, but I can't. They get angry easily. I can't help but think that I was used. But then again, I used them first. I realize that they aren't a huge part of my life, but I can't help but be hurt by the little mean things they do. I refuse to settle. I refuse to get used once more. Once again, I deserve more than that. I'll find someone one day. But I need to get myself straightened out first. I want to desperately find myself. I want to help people and I want to be happy. But my version of happiness is off and I need to get it on the right track. My happiness doesn't involve this person. If it does then, that's a rather large surprise to me. I'll do God's will. Not my own. Which kinda sucks ha. But He knows better than I do. I need someone to stand up for me and take care of me. To call me and text me, not the other way around. Someone to lead, not be led. It's the girl's job to wait, so that's what I'll do. After my covenant is over of course. It starts on Saturday. God help me.

So...

When you find things out like, your previous youth pastor cheated on his wife with a friend of yours, it kinda feels like everything is going in slow motion. Or more like, you're in slow motion and the world around you just keeps spinning. I've always struggled with thinking that youth ministry had an affect on today's students. I thought that the leaders never really cared about us and never walked the walk. I didn't think that students listened and even tried to live out what was preached to them. Then, I finally got over that. I finally saw that there are students who do try to live those sermons out and want to make a difference in their schools. Or there are the ones who want to do those things, but are afraid of what might happen to them. Life might get harder or friends will become non existant for them. Either way, there are students out there and when they do decide to live out what there youth ministers preach to them, they are gonna need a lot of support. They want to be able to look back in a few years and still say that they had an amazing youth pastor who loved God and loved them and lived above reproach. Unfortunately, I'm not one of the kids who can say that. Moving back to Happy brought me with question, will kids listen? But now, another question has come up. Am I living the life that they deserve? Am I the steady role model that they need? I wish I had one growing up because a lot of my leaders weren't good role models. They lived out their lives like no one else mattered. As if people younger than them weren't watching them. But I was and now, watching them still, I see that once again, no one is perfect. Temptation is everywhere and if humans aren't prayed up, they will fall into it. That really really sucks. I lost a role model. But instead of being angry at him, I pity him. I'm hoping that he's going to church again. I'm hoping that he knows about God's grace. I'm praying that God puts someone in his life to show him that.

I am a Liar...

That's about it. I have said lie after lie after lie just to save my own skin. I didn't care about anyone else's feelings or how they might be affected by my poor decisions. I just did what I had to do to keep myself out of the fire. And I did it. But lies tend to catch up with you and when that happens it really starts to suck. You start realizing a lot more about yourself than you really desire to and then all of the sudden you find yourself crying in you truck on the side of the road and begging for help but feeling so unworthy of it. You desire forgiveness but don't think that you will get it so you try to put the thought of your head. It's nothing but a dream to you now. Sadly and regrettably enough that's the experience that I'm going through now. I didn't just come up with that truck analogy ha. It kinda happened. I outdo myself sometimes. I can go above and beyojnd to help someone and show them how much I truly care, but in the same hour, lie to them so that I won't get into any kind of confrontation with them. I blame it on not wanting to be judged for who I am or what I've done but in reality I know better than that. I know that the little family that I have wouldn't judge me. They already know a lot about me, but I feel so unworthy of their friendship. How many more lies will it take for me to ruin another friendship? Why can't I just stop?! I didn't think that it would be so hard. I'm afraid of accountability because I don't want them to get upset with me. I would be confessing to many things to them and I don't want them to get hurt. They obviously weren't in my mind when I started the lying process. It was all about me. Sometimes I would honestly lie to help another person, but it was still for myself at the same time. I'm sorry. I'm coming clean. In MCA a few months back we did this thing called confession and what we had to do was spend 30 minutes every day for a week we had to right down every single thing that we had done wrong that day and why we did it. We needed to find the root of our sin. For me, most of my sin came from pride and selfishness. It's still true. I am a master at lying for my own benefit and I don't allow the gigantic pride wall in my heart to shrink, but grow in some areas. No more. I realize that a lot of the things that I'm about to do could have been done in Master's and it would have been a lot easier, but that's probably the reason why I need to do them now instead. I need a challenge. Having 30 other people around me cheering me on and holding me accountable to all these things would be great, but I need to start doing these things for myself. It's dumb for me to depend on them when God is telling me loud and clear to depend on Him. His love. His grace. I thought I had it all figured out, but I don't. It's time for a change. I've made some decisions. #1, I'm going back into covenant for 5 months. July 25 to December 25. If it needs to be longer than that then I'll extend it, but for now that's what it is. #2, I'm going to AC. I"m scared to death. I'm not sure what it will be like and I'm so scared of failing, but God made it clear to me that it's what my next step should be so I'll be registering in January. #3, I need to start making a new list of confessions. Starting today. I won't neccessarily spend 30 minutes on them, but to make a habit of trying to figure out why I do certain things is really good for me. #4, I'm going to send a message to someone that I let down recently. They have no idea that I'm going to do that, but they deserve it. They have put so much into my life and they deserve to see that it wasn't all in vain. I know that they still care, I'm just so afraid that they will give up on me and I don't see them much now, but they are still high on my respected list. I am so grateful to them for everything they have taught me and done for me. So...that's it. Ha...thanks. :D

I'm a little nervous...

So, most people might already know this, but I'm applying to a college close to home for this coming fall and I am super duper nervous about sending in my application. I'm scared mostly because MCA become a security blanket that I never thought I'd have and now I have to leave to go home, which scares me the most...kinda strange I know. But I don't know how to explain it really. I've always been afraid of college because I don't think I'm cut out for it. I don't consider myself smart or good enough for college and there are several people in Happy that can agree with me...but I'm trying not to listen to them. I'm getting a lot of support here from many people telling me to get out of Happy because I can do better, but doesn't it seem that the negative voices are louder than the positive ones at times? The college I'm applying for is a community college and a lot of people here consider it the college the dumb people get into because no one else will accept them. I don't think that because several friends of mine go to this college and it's really hard on them and I think they are way smarter than me. I think my big issue right now is just believing in myself. I'm just now starting to get into that whole know-that-I-can-do-it thing and it's kinda tough to get into. I think that right now I just need some prayer from my friends. Thanks y'all.

Random Stuff...

So, I don't really like writing notes on Facebook cuz then all of the people in the world can read them, so I am loving this blogger stuff! I haven't written much since the election blog so I thought I would just update some stuff. It's Thanksgiving and I'm over at my director's house chillin'. I wish I was home though. I miss my dad a lot. Yesterday I saw the new movie "Twilight" and it was awesome! I loved it and would love to watch it again! I can feel myself slipping into another depression again today and it really sucks. I'm hoping that it passes soon. God, please give me the strength to get through this and to gain more strength as I go. I love you and I will go through this as many times as I need to in order to gain the strength and trust that you want me to have. I love your lessons and am learning to embrace them more nad more everyday. I love you.

The Election

So, I have one thing to say about this election and about the result. I am by no means an Obama fan, however I know that God has things under control and He will continue to take care of His children because He loves us. Why is it so hard for us to trust Him with something like this? We trust Him with our finances, our lives, everything that we "own" and yet we can't trust Him with something like this? How jacked up does that sound? Very! It doesn't matter if we trust Obama with our lives or despise him more than anything, he is our soon-to-be-president, our authority, and if we don't respect that, I don't think we respect God. God's the one that put him there. If Obama wasn't supposed to be President then wouldn't God have intervened in some way?? Yes, He would have! So don't think that God has forgotten, this was all part of His grand plan! Respect it, trust it and have faith in Him. He wouldn't put us under this man unintentionally.

I think it's finally starting to hit

First years come on Saturday...scary. The fact that I'll be a d-team leader and have to actually do half or a third of the leading. I think that I'll be ok and stuff, but I'm afraid that me and Jeff won't get along very well, which so far it's been ok, but still, me and Jeff didn't get along all the time last year. And I know that not everyone will get along, but I'm hoping that me and Jeff will get along more than we did last year...and last week. I'm in Ten small groups so that's pretty exciting and the kids in the group are great, but honestly, I'm nervous about that too. Once again, I know that God will help me and things will go great, but that doesn't stop me from being nervous. Prayers...definitely needed!